Our Journey starts here
You ever just meet someone and instantly know that you hate their guts then marry them? That's exactly how our story starts off. I mean, would you really want any other kind of love c'mon now? What's the fun in love at first sight? Let me just mention that this man pictured once tried to convince a girl to fight me. I know right!
Hi, I am Crystallann and the darker one is my Husband, Aldo.
2020 is our 5th year of marriage! We have three earthside children and two that are in Heaven. I met my husband while working as a Server for Applebee's back in 2013. Aldo romantically proposed to me at the same location AND during a Packer's game nonetheless. GO PACK GO! Seriously, that's romantic!
Our Journey begins after our youngest daughter, now five was born. This was my third babes and when I really developed the urge to have more children. After our Daughter, Rosalie was born in 2015 we had our hands full because she was born with Bilateral Clubfoot. Since birth, she has been cast and braced with surgery or two in there. This was a huge bonding time for our family but the idea of expanding our family was always on my mind. In 2016, when we really thought we had a handle on this parenting ride, we were thrown a curveball that led us on through into 2020!
Infertility. I feel like no one really talks about the struggles of this heavy word. Well, I am here to share our story. A year after bringing Rosalie home we decided it was time to have more babes. After a few months of randomly trying, I decided to visit my midwife to discuss my options. At this point, I had no idea there was a problem. Going back to the birth of Rosalie, this was a birth to remember for sure. I spent 9-months preparing for a natural unmedicated birth and let me just tell you, I barely got it. When Rosalie was born, I nearly bled to death. My body was in shock and I didn't even know I had given birth to her until about 20 minutes later. By this time, my husband had already ripped off his clothes to share skin-to-skin with our newborn. After some time, we discovered that four weeks before I delivered, I was practically OD'ing on Red Raspberry Leaf Tea. I had been drinking about 7 cups per day for four weeks trying to "naturally" ripen my cervix. Guess who didn't know that this tea can also thin your blood? Yes, me! Great and lucky learning experience. So just an FYI:1 cup per day is good enough!
Timed Intercourse. This was a dreadful thought, to be honest. The idea behind timed intercourse breaks my soul. My Doctor outlining a schedule for my husband and I to be intimate was a little funny in the beginning but that feeling over the course of an additional year became frustration. To this day, I am not sure why it took us a year to realize what was happening just wasn't right. I blamed myself for not taking it seriously enough. After some tests, I was shortly diagnosed with Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). This is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs. No eggs = No baby! After I was diagnosed, looking back I had suddenly realized that so many things made sense. I could go 80 days with no menstrual cycle and during that time, it was fine for me and if you're a woman reading this, you'll know why! I had additional symptoms that should have been red flags during my normal check-ups that were never caught like severe cramps outside of a cycle, sometimes I could bleed for 5-7 weeks straight. My moods were completely unbearable. I also produce off-the-chart levels of Testosterone, which should have been a concern to anyone. After the diagnosis, my Midwife put me on medication.
Metformin at the lowest dose. When this didn't work, I went to the next dose. After a few months, I went to the highest dose. This brings us to January 2019. Just as we were about to call it quits on the Metformin, I found out I was 3.5 weeks pregnant. We soaked up this excitement until March 19, 2019. From the moment our pregnancy was confirmed, I was at high risk because we have suffered a loss before. Our 6-week appointment was beautiful but we couldn't see or hear a heartbeat so we got to do another one at 8 weeks. Our baby's heartbeat was 140. The joy that came over us was a joy I had never experienced before. At our 10-week appointment, though our baby still had a heartbeat, he measured small. Keywords began to trigger me but the Doctor tried to assure us that a baby at 10 weeks can measure small and that it may not be a big deal. 11-week ultrasound there was a faint heartbeat but the baby measured the same size as our 10-week ultrasound. I remember the Nurse spending extra time measuring and re-measuring. It felt like hours. The words I will never forget her say "I am not sure if this is the baby's heartbeat or yours, now that I think about it, it may be yours AND last weeks too" I knew at this moment, something didn't feel right. The thing here is that I have a heart disease and my resting heart rate is 120-130. I knew the moment she said that it brought the whole sentence to life for me. Still, they let me go another week and at my 12-week ultrasound the nurse called in my doctor and they both completed a second scan where they proceeded to tell me that I was carrying a dead baby and needed to make a decision quickly because the baby was basically rotting inside of me.
**********TRIGGER WARNING BELOW**************
Miscarriage. This word is definitely not spoken of as much as it should be. I really could not believe that I was going through it again. I looked my Doctor dead in the eyes and told her I was not going to abort the baby and that I could not do what they were asking me to do. I must have spent an hour breaking down in that office room on March 19, 2019. I begged my husband not to have to do any of it and to just take me home. My options were to have the Doctor perform a Dilation and curettage (D&C) or to take two medications 24 hours apart. If I have any advice to give about Marriage, it would be to please marry a man that understands you. If it was not for my husband, I probably would have gone home and lived my life like normal until I died from the rotting inside of me. I felt like I was already dying so to me it didn't matter at the time. It mattered to my husband though. I mattered to my husband. He called the Doctor in and told them what he wanted and he made sure to carry me through. My husband chose the medication. You are required to take the first dose, orally, and in front of the Doctor. For legal purposes they have to see you swallow it then you are required to sign forms advising of this action. I couldn't even open my mouth. I couldn't hold the cup of water. I couldn't bring the water to my mouth. Even writing this and remembering it play-by-play makes me weak.
My husband held my hand while opening my mouth, holding the cup of water, placing the medication in my mouth, and tilted my head back to make sure I took the first dose. From what was described to me, or should I say from what I remember the Doctor saying - The first dose doesn't actually do anything on its own but increases the second dose when used. The second dose is taken 24 hours after the first and this is supposed to dilate you. It is 4 tablets that are inserted manually as high as they can go. for the next few hours, I endured what felt like labor. I had high intense cramping, sweating, and bleeding. Today is March 20, 2019, and I am miscarrying at home, in my living room with my husband and children by my side. After hours of intense back pain and stomach cramps, I felt like I had to use the bathroom. My husband came with me and I sat on the toilet and I experienced the sudden urge to push. I placed my hand underneath me while standing and then I pushed. To my surprise, a ball of tissue the size of my hand came out. I had never experienced a miscarriage at 12 weeks before so I didn't prepare myself for what was going to happen. I truly thought it was over and I felt relief, however, this is not where it stopped. We placed what we had into a bag and cleaned it up. About 15 minutes later I felt the same urge again and we repeated the gesture. Two more times in a matter of 10 minutes. We had filled our ziplock bag and though we did not see a baby, we assumed that had definitely been the end. I do not remember if I had cried up until this point. I know I had felt overwhelmed and exhausted but when I didn't think I had anything left in me to give, I had another urge to push but this one came with pain. My husband played an active role in this one. His hands were the ones underneath them and reminding me to breathe. I remember grabbing the countertop to the sink with my left hand and my right was on my thigh while I was slightly standing. Would you believe it if I told you that one push wasn't enough, but took three pushes, and out came our baby in the sac?
Every feeling of sadness, heartbreak, and hate left my body at this exact moment. I knew that it was over. We placed our baby in a ziplock bag and cleaned up. I sat in my living room just staring. I will forever remember what it felt like the moment our baby came out. We had purchased a tree and a large blue pot and knew that instead of burying him with a headstone, we would bury our son in a tree that we can take with us where ever we go. Our children placed gloves on and we headed outside to look at him. We took turns looking at and holding the tissue(s) and sac. We educated our kids on where a baby comes from, and how they grow and develop inside what we were holding. We were able to show our Son (then 12 years old) how to comfort someone in need. How to respect their space and how to be compassionate when needed. We were able to show our Daughters (then 6 and 3) that this is a part of life and how it can change our bodies. I promise you, I could have never asked for a better support team than what I was given on that day.
Men. I want to talk about how miscarriages affect men! Until I watched my husband go through this journey with me, I had never heard anyone talk about male infertility, male factors, or how men are affected emotionally, physically, and mentally. It was a huge wake-up call for me. I didn't lose a baby, WE lost a baby. My husband wasn't a bystander. He participated in my pain, my cause, and the education. This was when our love became a rock. I personally wasn't ready to bury my child and as small as 12 weeks sounds, it was so big for us. I stepped away at this moment and watched my husband prepare the soil, the vase, the tree, the kids, and the bible. All of it. I stood and watched as they prayed over our baby and then lay the soil down. Then they opened the bags and poured each and every one of them into the tree. They covered the top with the remainder of the soil and to this day, we have a thriving tree and beautiful memory.
My Doctor gave me the option to take time to heal or try again because after a miscarriage you are more fertile. We didn't skip a beat. The following week we were right back at it trying again. After two months we were referred to a Fertility Specialist.
Utah Fertility Center has been the longest year and some change.
Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). So far I have failed seven IUIs. This is a process that involves placing sperm inside a woman's uterus to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization. With PCOS and my body's inability to make a mature follicle that will release, IUI is kind of useless. With no egg being released, it doesn't really matter how many sperm are placed in my uterus. But, our insurance requires six failed attempts before allowing us to move on to Invitro Fertilization (IVF). Thank you very much, Atena! My IUI dates are
June 12, 2019
July 20, 2019
August 16, 2019
November 12, 2019
December 13, 2019
March 3, 2020
May 1, 2020
In between these dates, because I suffer from PCOS, I had cysts that developed resulting in me having to take birth control between each cycle. When cysts develop they can produce estrogen which can interfere with the medications you take to create and grow follicles which in turn ruins the cycle. This is probably the most frustrating part of each IUI cycle when you have PCOS. The waiting kills me and taking birth control when trying to get pregnant just messes with me emotionally.
Invitro Fertilization (IVF). This is one heck of a rollercoaster that I would like to get off of. IVF is vigorously aggressive. If you have a fear of needles, this is not for you. 14 straight days at 7:30 am on the dot I was required to not only mix my own medications but also inject myself in the stomach. Five medications for 14 days and $4,000 out of pocket later. I survived. I feel like my IVF medications were easier to handle than the IUI medications. I did not have any emotional outbursts (definitely did ALOT with IUI meds) but it was more mental work for me this go-round. I was not mentally prepared to inject myself every morning but remembering the reason will always get me through. My husband woke up every morning with me and stayed by my side for every injection.
Egg Retrieval Day! On July 2, 2020, I had surgery to remove all of my developed eggs that my body just worked its butt off for! 23 eggs were collected! That's a beautiful number to hear. We went from no eggs to 1 egg per cycle (never released/fertilized) to 23 eggs. This was an amazing win for us. Recovery was harsh. I didn't realize that egg retrieval was a real procedure. I was put to sleep and the pain that awoke me was unreal. Of course, my street is under construction and there is no road so it was extremely bumpy and I hated every second of it. The eggs were sent to a lab where someone "naturally" fertilizes them in a dish. Once the eggs are fertilized they are moved to the incubation stage where someone literally watched them grow for 5 days to the Blastocyst stage. On day 5, we receive a report from the lab to let us know that 6 of our eggs made it to the Blastocyst stage and were set to be frozen. 3 of the eggs did not mature and could not be used. 5 were in the early blastocyst stage and 6 eggs were at the phase before Blastocyst and the remaining 3 eggs did not fertilize at all. On day 6 the lab called to let us know that 5 more entered Blastocyst and were ready to be frozen. Our embryos are currently frozen awaiting to be implanted.
Genetic Testing. We chose to test our embryos for several reasons. First, we want a male embryo transferred. Second, this identifies if an embryo is abnormal or normal. We chose to test only 6 embryos (you pay per egg, plus shipping fee, lab coordination fee, and a biopsy fee) Well $3,000 later 4 embryos were female, 1 inconclusive, AND 1 abnormal male. I became frustrated because it felt like $3,000 was wasted along with three weeks of our time. The following Monday we called the clinic and asked for the remaining embryos to be tested in hopes of a normal male embryo.
FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). On August 28, 2020, the Guitierrez family experienced the frozen egg transfer. What a day! When we walked into the room we were greeted with a lucky pair of socks Which of course I just had to wear during the procedure.
2WW: The two-week wait is brutal. This is the two weeks we wait to see if our lucky socks were indeed lucky! THEY WERE! 5DPFET we received a positive test.
Fast forward to 2023. We just celebrated our FET baby's second birthday. Making everything we endured worth the wait.
This process was been exhausting, painful, enlightening, educational, fearful, draining, and exciting all at once. I never pictured myself waiting four years to create a life. The wait is hard. There is so much emotion with what comes next in every step. I hope by the time I write the end of this story, I will be holding a beautiful baby. If you are reading this, thank you for your support.
